I’ve been watching a Korean series with the title “She Was Pretty”. It’s a story about a girl who thinks that she will be a supporting character if her life is a movie. She believed that she’s ugly but with a beautiful heart. I related well to the character presented as the superstar while watching the movie. Others envy her because she was pretty. Unbeknownst to them, she would rather have “love” than beauty.
I have always been the pretty-one among my sisters and friends. I was easily recognized and got popular among my peers. My sister once said that she envied me when we were younger. She said that our parents were proud of me for winning a beauty contest at a young age. What she did not know is that I envy her more because everyone loves her and she had lots of friends.
My parents celebrated my 10th birthday extravagantly after I won in that beauty pageant. I treasured that memory because it made me feel loved. My mom baked my birthday cake and everyone pitched in the preparation. I felt elated and loved by them.
My family’s approval was very important to me. But it was easy to fall into the bad girl category. I feel like an outcast. I craved a sense of belongingness and I sorted out to my friends. Even if it means joining them in activities that my parents disapproved of. I got torn between pleasing my family or being with my friends who enjoy my company. I was always a chatterbox in the company of my friends. I long to have conversations with my siblings that did not involve how bad I am as a person. I grew up hearing that I whine so much, act-out a lot, extra sensitive, lazy, selfish, and a lot more. These were constantly repeated until my adulthood.
I wanted to become the secretary for the supreme student body when I was in Grade Five. Unfortunately, they did not see me fit for the position and asked me instead to run as the muse – the girl who wears shorts and holds the school banner. That is who I was at school, beautiful and nothing more. I always have to pick the second-best at home because I am the pretty-one anyway. Until I learned to ask less from my parents.
I no longer want to be the pretty-one at some point. I wanted others to know me as intelligent and adventurous. I felt like a plastic doll that is pretty to look at but hollow inside. Others recognized my beauty and soon forgot me when a substance is necessary. I feel like others expect me to be a doll in all circumstances. I am not allowed to cry, lose temper, shaken, and show my feelings. People around me felt uneasy when I share my true emotions.
I have looked in the mirror many times and felt insecure. I also do not know how to respond to compliments. I will never be known for my kindness, generosity, love, and care.
To all the superstars, I see you every time you became the villain. I see your intelligence, kindness, and generosity. I see your worth and your true beauty. Your beauty is not skin deep. I see the heart that the Lord created in you.
Adulthood taught me many things. I learned that vulnerability is a strength and not a weakness. I learned that what you know about yourself is more important than what others know about you. I learned that love is what others give and not what we feel. Love is what we accept from others. I learned that we love more if we love ourselves. Finally, the key to self-love is knowing that God breathed life into you.
